Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I made you say underwear!

I go out of my way to avoid Fox News. I guess I like the liberal propaganda foisted on society by all of the other media outlets. Last night, I stopped at a local pub and caught a closed caption version of John Gibson’s “My Word” rant.

Now Gibson is a professional polemicist. He is paid to be a pompous, self-righteous ass because there’s a lot of money to be had when there’s a heated argument. I don’t take people like Gibson or transsexual pundit Ann Coulter seriously. They don’t believe half of what they say. What I do take seriously are the people who subscribe to their positions.

Gibson’s latest rant was in support of a local ordinance in the little town of Mansfield, Louisiana. Apparently local officials have been so successful curing the ills of the world that they now have time to focus on the scourge of sagging pants. Effective September 15th Mansfield police officers will be able to write a $150 ticket to people who expose their underwear. It was not specified if there will be an exemption for plumbers and/or appliance repair technicians.

Gibson thinks that the community should enforce the ban until the courts rule against it. He said he might sound old but he doesn’t like sagging pants and he’s tired of seeing people like Britney Spears running around in her underwear. Of course he is, being staunch conservative he would rather see a congressional page completely naked and face down on a bed.

Forget about Gibson’s support of the ordinance or his homosexual procilivities. The issue at hand is the enactment of a law that is essentially a waste of time and a violation of civil rights. This battle has been fought time and time again to no avail. Back in the 1950’s the issue was plain white t-shirts and tight blue jeans. Small towns across the country futilely imposed rules and regulations mandating an acceptable dress code. Sagging pants and exposed boxers are no different. Sadly, many of the people carping about low riding pants are the same people who dared to wear jeans and t-shirts in public. Way to keep the faith, pops.

Below the surface it’s about race, not underwear. Clearly Mansfield is experiencing a little post-Katrina culture shock. Mansfield is not far from Shreveport and with New Orleans a long way from being repaired, former New Orleans residents are settling into nearby communities. Mansfield has probably seen an increase in African American residents which means that Hip Hop culture is more prevalent in a community that time somehow forgot. All of the sudden people woke up and the sharecroppers were lollygagging on the corner. Yes white kids do it to, but in the mind of these conservative nitwits that’s only because “negro culture” has been forced on them by the liberal conspirators.

Those who support the ban insist it’s about decency, contending that nobody wants to see another person’s underpants but how do you define underwear? What if somebody opts to wear swimming trunks or gym shorts under their sagging pants? And how can anybody take offense to boxers? I can see an objection when it comes to thongs but that objection is subjective. There are some people who shouldn’t wear thongs under any circumstance and others who should be required to wear nothing but a thong at all times.

Still, there’s no need for a law. If I happen to catch a glimpse of something I don’t like I tend to look the other way. If people want don saggy pants I have the option of ignoring their attire and the luxury of passing judgment on them. I never judge a person by the color of his skin but mix stripes with checks and court is in session. Throw on a “What Would Jesus Do” bracelet and I’ll cross the street to get out of harm’s way.

Generally I accept sagging pants as a passing fad. Like white T-shirts, flood pants and engineer boots, sagging pants make a statement. The whole idea is to piss off the old folks. A stupid ordinance is exactly what these kids want. It proves to them that adults are petty, small minded and ultimately powerless.

Hell, it stirs up my rebellious nature. Since the ban focuses on exposed underpants I’m tempted to drive down to Mansfield and put a pair of white briefs on the outside of my pants. Super hero style. I wonder if that would draw the attention of cops. We could get together and stage a million panty march to protest the ordinance.

The best way to get kids to pull up their pants is for adults to pull theirs down. Nothing kills a trend faster than adoption by old white people. Why do you think the Beatles broke up? As soon as old folks got past the mop tops and listened to the music the Beatles had to change their style and the band imploded. And look what happened to FUBU. My dad picked up a FUBU shirt at a thrift store and the entire brand lost its street cred.

Personally I’d rather see laws passed limiting how high pants can be hoisted. I find issues like camel toe far more offensive than whale tail. I’d much rather see junior’s boxers than the outline of grandpa’s nuts through a pair of chest high, sky blue sans-a-belts. Why not impose a ban on stretch pants too? While we’re at it, how about a complex ordinance outlining proper sock/shoe combinations? If we’re going to put an end to sagging pants we should also eradicate the practice of wearing black dress socks with white sneakers. And for crying out loud people, can we agree on a minimal amount of pigmentation before shorts can be worn in public?

Youth always wins. Every time the older generation has drawn a line the younger generation has rushed to cross it. We all know where this is headed. The underwear ordinance will fail and then kids will celebrate their victory by taking it to the next level. In fact, that trend has already started. Paris Hilton and her friends have been playing a game of celebrity hoo-hah for the past several years. If you didn’t like seeing underwear how will you feel about the full monty?

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